I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
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Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place