Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
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my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Put a ring on it
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Come back with a warrant
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”