DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
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Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Jupiter
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost