Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
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Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*