wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
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I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get