I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
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I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation