Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
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Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.