Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
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hi why am I like this
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit