People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
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“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
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“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
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Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
getting groceries
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth