Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
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THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Oh yeah that’s it
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
there has never been a better use of this meme
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”