If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
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(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.