As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
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(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?