A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
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Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.