You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
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I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
me opening up to someone
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea