Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
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Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.