We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
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*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Never let them know your next move 😂
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
I’m aging like a fine banana
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me: