COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
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Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.