Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
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I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first