Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
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My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
For when Tinder doesn’t work
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.