Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
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We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.