If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
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[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.