Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
You Might Also Like
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site