Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
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But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
This is a whole mood;
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?