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If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
This hospital has everything
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday