[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
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Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”