To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
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7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Last-minute gift idea!
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”