Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
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Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Do one person every day that scares you.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.