Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
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[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
british sex workers really pound for pound
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.