It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
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Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?