I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
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Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.