Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
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Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.