My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
You Might Also Like
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
do u think theres a butter planet?
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation