if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
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Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.