me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
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When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Me too 😆
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
the council will decide your fate
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)