My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
You Might Also Like
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents