Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
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*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.