Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
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Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
I put the p in pants.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.