Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
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Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.