It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
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A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
The Compass
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Thinking about Jeff
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.