Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
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Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
lol
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*