From Facebook just now…
You Might Also Like
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
no