the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
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Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
just gave your address to some spiders
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude