A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
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My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
LMAO.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit