When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
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Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.