When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
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Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
#gardening
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.