My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
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[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
A duv-egg? In this economy?
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Battery falling down a hole
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.