Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
You Might Also Like
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
…..pretty much.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.