Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
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hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
can you read it!!??
maan!
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
it must be school picture day
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Lately I have the attention span of wait what