Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
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My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
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Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap