You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
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In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Sorry I made promises on Friday
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes